I've been meaning to write this post for a long time. I want to put down in writing what it means to be a mom, all the challenges and demands, the many rewards, and only a few complaints. The thing is, it keeps changing. Once I figure out how to describe the something, it's changed. Even my complaints! I'm not going to pretend to know everything, but here they are- my 5 month 5 day post-partum thoughts on motherhood...
Chase is a part of me. The feeling of connection to Chase is so much more intense than I ever imagined it could be. My love is so strong it aches. When I'm with him, I want to hold him, play with him, kiss him. I want to explore the world though his eyes, see what he sees, and be there for the moments of recognition- that's my favorite toy, that's the song mommy sings that I love, that's my dog Mueller, that's delicious avocado....
When I'm not with him, I miss him so much that it hurts. I want to know what he's doing, whether he's okay, hoping that he's happy, and worrying that something will happen to him. It's literally like part of me is missing. I feel almost desperate to get home every night. My long weekend runs have topped out at abot 50 minutes because I can't stand to be away any longer than I "need" to be. We've been discussing going to a wedding without him next fall--
a year from now-- but I cannot even think about being apart from Chase overnight.
His suffering is my suffering--his cold has been far worse for me than for him. All I want to do is to soothe him, to make him happy. Yet at the same time, I know that I cannot always soothe him or make him happy. He needs to grow up to be an independent child. One of the biggest challenges (that I'm only beginning to deal with) is not giving in to my instinct to give Chase everything when he cries. Worst of all, I have to give him the skills to not need me. My colleague Margaret, a mom of five (who is sadly moving back to Salt Lake City this week--we miss you already!), said that the paradox of motherhood was that God gives you this precious baby, and then your role is to give them the tools to go further and further away from you.
Being a working mom is HARD. Although it's gotten a little better, it is still very difficult to leave him every single morning. I know he's in good hands with Kayla, and he's definitely happy with her and Harley, but it kills me to leave him. I consider turning back every day. I can't bear to be without him. Not only do I miss him, but I feel so badly that I can't be there with him to explore, learn, and grow. My heart breaks when he does a first that I'm not there to witness. While I know I have to work and I love my job, it's emotionally draining to feel awful leaving Chase in the morning.
Going back to work has also been like an identity crisis. On one hand, I'm the same person who left (minus the big belly). My office looks the same, the same people are there (more or less), the same issues need my attention. But I'm not the same person- Now I'm a mom. And my number 1 priority is Chase. I feel a bit like a fraud. Because no matter how focused I am on something, how important it seems, or how committed to it I am, Chase is more important and I would drop everything if he needed me. I care more about my baby than old people. Does that make me a less valuable employee? How will motherhood impact my professional career? Do I need to overcompensate for the distractions that others expect me to have? These issues worry me--a sign that I still identify strongly with the career woman. On the other hand, I worry more that I'll only get a few hours a day with him for his entire childhood and that he'll miss out on things because I'm working. I don't know how I'll make it to his soccer/basketball/lacrosse/baseball games... Being a working mom is really, really hard.
There's a reason why the human body is built to have babies young. Pregnancy was cake compared to the physical demands of parenting. The bending, contorting my body to pick Chase up, squatting, climbing around baby gear, sitting on the floor and jumping up...these are only a few of the ways my body is being tested. And it's starting to hurt- my back has been aching. Who cares if you have to pee all the time when you're pregnant- at least you have the opportunity to go to the bathroom. That's not always the case after the baby is born! The sleepless nights are particularly difficult--I got more sleep in college! Of course I'm barely exercising (although holding on tightly to my 20-25 minutes of running) so I'm not in nearly the physical state I was even when Chase was just born.
My hair is falling out. Literally. Clumps of my hair come out every day. It's gross. Despite continuing to take prenatal vitamins, the drop in hormones is making my hair fall out. It's completely normal, but definitely caught me off guard. (Just warning your pregnant women!)
Marriage is truly a partnership. Our marriage has changed. Gone are the days when we'd spend a weekend doing nothing together. We don't indulge each other like we used to. We're not as affectionate as we used to be. Because of scheduling issues, we don't even talk as much during the day as we used. I thought Stephen and I worked well together before Chase was born, but I had no idea how much of a team we'd become. We both work to entertain/bathe/sooth Chase. We take turns watching him so the other one can do house or yard work. Stephen makes dinner while I feed Chase. When one of us has had a bad day, the other takes the baby so that person can relax a bit. We're in this together and Stephen truly is a great partner and an amazing father. I don't know how I could do this without him. Not matter how overwhelmed I feel, I know that he is there to support me and that together we can do it. And while it's less than it used to be, we still talk often, we are still affectionate, and we still indulge each other (once in a while). Our relationship is at a whole different level. We've gone from a couple to a family.
Knowing what I do now about all of these challenges and changes, would I have done anything different? Are you kidding me? I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.
