Afraid

I've put off this post because I'm not sure exactly how to say everything I want to put in it. And my emotional and rational thinking on it are all over the place. And I don't know how to end it, but here goes.

I'm scared. Really scared. I'm terrified that something is going to be wrong with Baby Boy L2.

It's probably a long string of coincidences (that someone can name exceptions to), but I know so many people who have had trouble with their second pregnancy or child. Everything from difficulty getting pregnant to bleeding during the pregnancy to miscarriages to challenges nursing to serious birth defects. These aren't just in my personal life, but in the blogs I follow too. The most heartbreaking is the story of The Cahills, whose older daughter is around Chase's age, lost their son 4 days after he was born. There were no signs that something was wrong until decreased movement led to an emergency c-section at 35 weeks. They thought they were in the clear and were celebrating his birth until an hour afterwards when he was breathing funny and taken into the NICU. He never recovered.

Add to this (non-scientific data) my own fears. This pregnancy has been a little more difficult than my pregnancy with Chase (closer to normal!), but really uneventful and overall pretty easy. Sure, I have complaints at 39 weeks, but both baby and I have been healthy throughout. And if you want to get really irrational, I should point out that things have been going well for me professionally too...and clearly you can't have everything, right?

Luckily, with the exception of the Cahills, everyone's second child has been okay. There have definitely been medical and other challenges, but overall everyone is doing well. While I can't even begin to get into the emotional and mental turmoil that these challenges have caused my mom friends and the mommy bloggers, I can say that these challenges have made them into better moms and better people. I've learned a lot from what these brave women and their families have faced and overcome.

You've probably noticed the link at the right to one of my favorite blogs, Enjoying the Small Things. Kelle Hampton lives in Florida with her two daughters and is an amazing photographer who makes me want to be a stay-at-home-mom photographer (I'll leave Florida). I stumbled upon her blog a couple of months before Chase was born. Specifically, I was linked to her post about Nella's birth story. Kelle tells a beautiful story about the day her second daughter was born and they discovered that she had Down syndrome. Although I was hormonal and the story made me cry my eyes out, it was really a good opportunity for me to realize that the birth of my child and my child him or herself might not be what I expected, but that would be okay. It would be okay to cry and to be disappointed. Life might be more difficult than I expected, but ultimately things would be okay.

In April, Kelle's book about their story, Bloom, was released. I actually bought a hard copy and devoured it in 2 days. Again, I cried my eyes out (pregnancy hormones again!), but it reinforced the message I had gotten 2 years ago. And perhaps this time it was even more important because we've been so lucky and so blessed that I'm even more scared that something will be wrong.

I'm happy to have the perspective and resources provided by Kelle's book, my friends and family, and the internet. I'm aware of the possibilities, but very thankful for our health and luck so far.